


My Fault

by Jillian_Bowes



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Mentions of Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-10 14:08:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8920126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jillian_Bowes/pseuds/Jillian_Bowes
Summary: Philip learns of his mother's murder, and Lukas will always be there to help pick up the pieces.





	

**Author's Note:**

> back at it with more philkas! so I was planning to write this AS AN AU BEFORE THE FINALE. I had no idea Anne would die. but here we are, and this is canon compliant. I'm very sad.

Philip was curled up next to Lukas on the hospital bed.  Lukas was lightly brushing his fingers through his chocolate brown hair while Philip idly drew circles on his chest.  They were both utterly exhausted. 

Bo had gone home for the night with the promise of picking him up in the morning.  He wanted to go home that night, but the doctors demanded that he rest in the doctors’ care to avoid any more stress on his wound.  

In the corner of his eye he could see Gabe and Helen talking worriedly about something.  It didn’t look good.

“Hey,” Philip murmured.  “I’ve been wondering something.”

“What’s that?”

“When you were in that coma, do you… remember anything?”

“What, like a dream?”

“Kind of.  Just… They had us talk to you while you were asleep.  Do you remember hearing anything?”

He mulled over it for a minute, then shook his head.  “No, not really.  It was weird, though.  I knew when you were there and when you weren’t.  But I couldn’t tell you anything you said.”

Philip looked mildly disappointed.  “Okay.”

“Why?  Say something important?”  Philip smiled up at him.

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” he teased.  His expression faded into one of seriousness.  “I don’t get it.”

“Get what?”

“The killer.  How did he get Mom’s phone?”

Lukas shrugged as much as he could while lying down.  “He must have just bummed it off her in rehab.”

They were interrupted by Helen and Gabe coming into the room.  “Philip?” said Helen.  “Can we talk to you out here for a minute?”

He pushed himself up on his elbow to look at them directly.  “Is everything okay?”  Something about the sadness in their eyes deeply disturbed Lukas.

“We just need to talk to you, son,” said Gabe.  

Lukas’s stomach turned.  “It’s okay,” he said to Philip.  “Go ahead.”  

Philip nodded and followed Helen and Gabe out into the hallway.  They shut the door behind them, so Lukas could only hear their muffled voices.  He watched the three of them intently, and while he could only see the back of Philip’s head, he could tell he was starting to shake. 

Gabe’s eyes were filling with tears, and Helen’s tears were already spilling over.  They each put a hand on Philip’s shoulders, and Philip was shaking his head slowly.  He couldn’t hear much, but he was certain he heard Philip half-moan and half-shout the word “no,” over and over.

It looked like Gabe was trying to pull him into an embrace, but Philip fell back against the window and slid down to the floor.  They immediately dropped down to hold him, but he could still hear Philip’s wailing against Gabe’s shoulder.  He was clinging onto the fabric of Gabe’s shirt while Helen rubbed his back in a failing attempt to soothe him.

Lukas was growing frantic and frustrated.  He wanted to burst from his room and demand to know what had Philip so upset.  Helen stood up and came back into his room, eyes glassy and red.  

“What happened?” he asked urgently.

She let out a shaky exhale.  “We’re gonna take Philip home tonight.  Ryan, he…” Her breath hitched.  “He killed Philip’s mom.”

Lukas’s heart plummeted into his stomach and he sat up suddenly.  “Oh, god.  I have to see him.”  He threw his covers off and started to climb out of bed, but Helen stopped him.

“No, Lukas.  You have to stay here.  We’re going to bring Philip home and make sure he’s okay and gets some rest.  You can see him as soon as you’re out of the hospital, I promise.”

“That’s bullshit!” he nearly shouted.  Helen sighed and came to sit next to him on the bed.  

“Philip is going to have a really hard time for awhile.  You know that better than most.  He needs to stay with Gabe and me tonight.  But I promise you can come over as soon as you’re cleared by the hospital.”

He was angry, but he knew there was no negotiating.  He nodded stiffly and she left the room to take Philip home.  Philip was so devastated, he didn’t even spare a glance at Lukas on the way out.

The rest of the night was spent in fitful slumber.  Morning could not have come soon enough.  When his dad finally picked him up, he hardly said anything to him on the ride home.  

“Something on your mind, son?” he asked awkwardly.  

He swallowed.  “Philip’s mom is dead.”

Bo didn’t say anything, he just flipped the blinker on and changed his route.  Lukas raised an eyebrow.  “Dad?  We aren’t going home?”

“I’m taking you to Gabe and Helen’s.”

Lukas smiled widely.  His dad knew Philip would need him now.  “Thanks, Dad.”  Bo smiled back.  

When they pulled into the driveway, Lukas couldn’t help but be a little nauseas.  He remembered the pain of losing his mom like it was yesterday, but he was too young to understand.  Philip’s mom was murdered, and Lukas couldn’t begin to relate to that. 

He grabbed his overnight bag from the back and said goodbye to his dad, making his funeral march up to the door.  A teary-eyed Helen answered and welcomed him in. 

“Philip’s in his room upstairs.”  

Lukas looked around.  “Is Gabe not here?” he asked. 

“He’s asleep.  He’s been having trouble with all of this, too.  He blames himself for Anne,” she said sadly.  

He tilted his head.  “Why would he…?”

Helen sighed.  “Before he knew about Agent Kane, he accidentally gave away her location.”

“Oh.”  He didn’t know what else to say.  He probably would have blamed himself too. 

He adjusted the bag on his shoulder and made his way upstairs.  When he approached the door, what he heard broke his heart.  Philip was on the other side, sobbing.  Lukas debated turning around and leaving right then and there to give him some space, but he knew he needed him right now.  He knocked tentatively and the crying stopped.  

He waited for a moment, and when there was no answer he said, “Philip?  It’s—It’s me.”

Another moment passed and he heard the door unlock.  He didn’t even have time to breathe a sigh of relief before Philip appeared and pulled him into his arms, burying his face into his neck.  They stood there for what felt like ages before Philip led him into the room by his hand.  

They sat together on the bed, and Lukas noticed there were pictures of Anne scattered along the comforter.  He looped an arm around Philip’s waist and held him close.  “I’m sorry, Philip,” he whispered.  

Philip sniffled and stifled a sob.  “Sh-She really liked you,” he choked.  Lukas kissed the top of his head, rubbing his back.  His knee-jerk reaction was to tell him it was okay, but it wasn’t.  He knew this pain, and he wouldn’t want to be told something like that.  “It’s all my f-fault,” Philip hiccupped.  

“Hey, _no,”_ Lukas said sternly, pulling back and holding Philip’s face in his hands.  “If there’s one thing to take away from this, it’s that it wasn’t your fault.”  His breathing was shuddered and tears continued to stream down his face.  He wouldn’t meet Lukas’s eyes.  

Philip closed his eyes, shaking his head.  “I wasn’t there.  She _died,_ alone and scared and it’s all because _I didn’t tell.”_  He was dangerously close to hyperventilating. 

“Look at me, hey.  Look.”  He looked up at him finally through his damp lashes, more pathetic than Lukas had ever seen him.  “It’s not your fault, okay?  It’s not.”  A sudden wave of guilt came crashing over him.  “If anything… it’s mine.”  Philip’s glassy eyes widened a bit.  “I’m the one who didn’t let you tell.  It wasn’t fair, and now…”  A tear of his own slipped down his cheek.  

He shook his head again.  “I want to blame you,” Philip said candidly.  It surprised him.  “I do.  But that wouldn’t be fair to you.”

Lukas dropped his hands and intertwined his with Philip’s. “Yeah, well.  You’re not being fair to yourself, either.  That asshole cabin shooter killed her, not you.”

Philip winced, and Lukas immediately regretted being so blunt.  “I can’t imagine how she must have felt,” he whispered.  “Oh, _god.”_  He was hit by another wave of sobs.  Lukas took him into his arms again and rocked him slowly. 

“She was probably thinking of you,” he tried.  Philip’s grip tightened on him as he cried harder.  

“She was supposed to get better.  She just wanted to get better.”

He kissed his hair.  “I’m sorry, Philip.”

Eventually they were lying down on their sides facing each other, going through the pictures of Anne.  Philip would smile at each memory before remembering he wouldn’t see her again, and the tears would resume.  It was hard to watch, but Lukas knew he needed to do this.  When Philip’s eyes began to droop, Lukas gathered the photographs and put them on his bedside table and shut off the light. 

He brushed some hair from his eyes and held him, and they fell asleep in each other’s arms. 

Gabe came in and woke them for dinner, insisting that Philip needed to get some food in his stomach.  The meal was horribly quiet, save for Helen’s and Gabe’s attempts at making light conversation.  Philip would only shrug or grunt in response to questions, so Lukas tried his best to talk to them.  

He wasn’t the best talker, so it was marginally awkward.  He reminded himself why he was there and put a hand on Philip’s knee, and they both visibly relaxed a little. 

Gabe and Helen shared a look like there was something they needed to say but were trying to put it off.  Gabe cleared his throat.  “So, we’ve been getting everything set for Anne’s funeral this Thursday.”  Philip froze, and Helen took the baton from there. 

“We were wondering, Philip, if you’d like to come with us to your apartment.  Maybe pick out something for her to wear?”

He looked up at Lukas, an unspoken question on his lips.  Lukas gave him a small smile and a nod. 

“Can Lukas come?” he asked quietly.  

“Yeah, of course,” Gabe said, encouraging. 

“Okay.  Okay, yeah.  I’ll do that.”  Helen patted his hand across the table.  He checked Lukas’s plate to see if he was finished.  “Um, can we be excused?”  Helen nodded, and they went back up to Philip’s room.  

Lukas closed the door behind him and leaned against it, letting out a deep breath.  

“Hey,” Philip said almost inaudibly.  Lukas’s head snapped up to look at him.  “Thanks for being here.”

“Yeah.”  His voice cracked.  “Yeah, of course,” he tried again.  Lukas smiled, and suddenly Philip’s lips crashed upon his.  The kiss was intense, heated.  Philip had him by the back of his neck, walking them both backwards toward the bed.

Lukas did his best to keep up, but when Philip yanked him down onto the bed, he felt a sharp pain in his chest.   He yelped, accidentally collapsing on top of Philip.  Not discouraged, he pulled Lukas’s face up to his and kissed him with fervor. 

“Ow, wait,” he protested.  Philip didn’t stop; he reached down and started to pull Lukas’s shirt up.  “Philip.”  His wound felt like it was on fire, but Philip bit his lip hungrily, trying to yank his shirt up further.  Lukas grabbed his wrist to stop him.  “Stop!”

Then, as if snapping out of a trance, Philip pulled away and looked at him, wide-eyed and open-mouthed.  Lukas heavily pushed himself up and rolled off of him, leaning against the headboard.  “I… Sorry,” Philip said, ashamed. 

Lukas closed his eyes and nodded in understanding.  “I know that you’re…  upset.  But the doctors say I have to take it easy, so… take it easy,” he implored.  

Philip scooted back to sit next to him, resting his head on his shoulder and placing a tentative hand on his chest. 

Lukas sighed.  “You probably don’t want to hear this right now, but… it gets better.”

Philip breathed deeply and blinked back tears.  Lips quivering, he asked, “You know what I told you in the hospital?  When you were unconscious?”

Lukas turned his head to get a better look at him.  “No, what?”

Philip avoided his eyes, playing with the fabric of Lukas’s shirt.  “I told you that I love you,” he said, almost too soft to hear. 

 _Oh._  After a moment of silence, he leaned back and tilted Philip’s chin up so he would look at him.  He looked rather worried.  Lukas grinned and kissed him sweetly.  

Philip glared at him mock-accusingly.  “What, you’re not gonna say it back?”

“I didn’t think I needed to.  I figured you already knew.”  Philip blushed furiously, and he felt his own cheeks heating up as well.  “But, you know.  If you _insist.”_  Philip gave him a confused expression before he was assaulted by Lukas’s lips trailing down from his jaw to his throat.  Each kiss was punctuated with a soft “I love you.” 

When he kissed his way back up to his mouth, he saw that Philip was smiling, which only encouraged him further.  He put his hands on Philip’s hips and tickled lightly, making Philip giggle and gasp.  “Stop!” he half-shouted between bouts of broken laughter.  He tried in vain to tickle Lukas back, but Philip was far more ticklish.  “I surrender,” he said hoarsely, throwing his hands up. 

They went back to lying next to each other, playing with each other’s hands.  “Are you staying the night?” Philip asked hopefully. 

“If you want.”

Philip nodded, looking relieved.  “Thanks.”

“Anytime.”  He wiggled his eyebrows.  “And I mean _any_ time.”

Philip snorted and patted Lukas’s cheek.  “Shut up.”

Lukas stuck his tongue out.  “Make me.”

He raised an eyebrow and pounced on him, careful not to do further harm to his gunshot wound.  He kissed him like his life depended on it, and their playfulness quickly turned to passion.  

Philip’s smile hadn’t completely come back, but Lukas was willing to stay with him until long after it did. 

**Author's Note:**

> should I continue this a little more, or leave this as it is? let me know. in the meantime, I have a pool party fic to write. B) 
> 
> come visit me at plaidphilkas.tumblr.com!


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